Thinkful About Being Thankful

I received the telephone calls from family and friends; I made dinner and remained on the couch "thinkfully" thinking about being thankful. It would seem that you shouldn't compare your life to others when counting your blessing, but as I look back over my life, I am grateful. Many people that started out with me are not here today. I have lived beyond the foolishness of my youth, the impetuousness of my middle age, and now I am in maturity grateful to be alive; honored to be able to serve others.

My children are all adults with children of their own; I have poured what I have and know into their lives and make myself available to them as they reach out to me. I am purposely serving humanity and honored, very honored to have the presence of mind and the blessings of God, to want to do exactly what I am doing - I am thankful!

We are embarking on another level of service in the next few weeks in a different part of the country, and we are honored to work in Miami serving. As I began, so I end, today I am "thinkfully" being thankful for the life God has given me.

Making It through the Holidays Joyfully!

It is the week of Thanksgiving, which onsets the "holiday" season. As a single parent, the holidays brought a special set of emotions for me. The hustle and bustle of getting the presents for my four children, the holiday parties at work, the demands of everyone and everything - yet I felt so all alone. One of the major emotions that I felt was abandonment. Why was I raising these children alone, where was the support I needed to deal with all that it takes to be a parent, emotionally, spiritually and physically? I would find myself in depression from the onset of Thanksgiving week until the New Years night kiss of the New Year. I would tearfully buy presents, and resentfully wrap them and go into my bedroom and lament that the holidays found me alone, personally, year after year.

The answers began to come to me when I owned the feelings I was having each year. Why was it necessary to anesthetize my thoughts, emotions and my feelings. I had every right to "feel" my feelings - I didn't have the right to allow my feels to control me like clockwork according to a specific time of year. After studying a little bit, I found that my feelings actually had a name and it was called Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD). Some of the suggestions that were given to deal with this disorder was one, to acknowledge that I had a right to the feelings; additionally, it is important to see this season as this season, not one of the past or of the future, but to acknowledge that today is today and live in today! Another suggestion is that I get outside of myself and seek out social outings that will have me helping others. Donating a gift to local church, volunteer at a homeless shelter, do something different with my family. The holidays didn't have to miserable, I just have to learn how to live through them.

• stress,
• fatigue,
• unrealistic expectations,
• overcommercialization,
• financial stress,
• the inability to be with one's family and friends.

All of the above loom over us through our day to day experience but it seem to be heightened by the holidays. We must believe that we are not alone spiritually in our journey to live this life in peace regardless of what the issues of life are and what emotions they bring. We are able to if you will, thread on the waters of life, through the suggestions given. Get out of your own way. There are beautiful events, memories and experiences going on every day in our lives don't let a set of calendar days take the joy of living from you.

These last few years I found myself away from family at core times of the year, the holidays. Again, this year I am away from family so as I prepare to go through this week of Thanksgiving, I am going to choose to be thankful. I am going to chose to feed the homeless, attend church and call my children and family often to ensure that this year the holidays will not control my emotions. I plan wholeheartedly to make it though the holidays joyfully. I made peace with my day to day experience and took the steps to realize that being alone is a choice as well as a state of mind. I still find myself a little upset that the holidays are so commercialized and the lack of income to buy every new toy, IPhone, etc. That is soon replaced with my peace that soon the holidays would be over and we can get back to "life" as we know it.

Walking through the Unknown By Faith

It is interesting because each day I wake up to the unknown, what is my agenda for the day? Who will I meet, what will the outcome be? Some years ago, I heard a sermon that talked about faith and it is said that faith is operating on the premise that God will take care of you no matter what happens during the course of the day. The speaker went on to say if we knew what the day would bring it wouldn't be faith, it would be dwelling according to knowledge. That's deep. My journey is one of faith. I believe that God will take care of me and will go one step further to add that if God can't take care of me than I can't be taken care of. I expect the best in all areas of my life because I serve a God that provides nothing but the best. I hear so much Christianese it is disheartening it's like speaking all of this jargon will produce faith. Faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. I spend my days listening to Christian teaching 24/7 and I know during the course of the day, God will deposit in my spirit those things that I need to make it through another day by faith (Grandma said if you don't put it in, God can't bring it to your rememberance. I don't say this braggadociously because I really know what my life is like without this discipline. I know what my thoughts are like, I know what the people look like that I draw, when I don't live like this and I just don't want to live like that anymore in this lifetime. This lifestyle for me is serious (it's life or death) and I take it seriously - my very life and sanity depends on it. So as I walk through the unknown by faith, I am confident that I am the only one that doesn't know because my God is all knowing, and omnipresence and like I heard a preacher say today, God is so awesome that he leaves and runs into himself - surely he can take care of me. All is well and we continue!

The Consistency of Change

There has always been a very constant reality in my life and it has been change. From a very young age, I have always lived very transient. During the times of my child rearing years, I remained in one state for a long period of time. Having served our ministry for an extended period of time, this was probably one of the only times that I remained in the same place. Although, I changed apartments, employment situations, men, hair do's and changed within myself on so many levels. Change has been my constant companion. These past few years have only added more chapters of a life that is laced with the consistency of change. With the passage of time, and craving something it seemed has alluded me, I long for the security of consistency. Remaining in the same place, doing the same things (and perfecting that), seeing people who care for me and are a regular part of my experience. I guess what I am saying now, it's time for the change to take on the place of consistency. As I embark on yet another change, I am transitioning from one state to another, again. The next few years I am embracing, claim and coveting what I anticipate being a time of consistency, stability and being still to watch my grandchildren grow, watch the ministry develop, watch my efforts, writings, speaking and other activities create avenues for me to meet the needs of those who want to be with me and me wanting to be with them. It's time for the change to give me the stability I need, perhaps always needed - but now, I refuse to live without it.

Change Has Come!

As I sit reviewing the course of this day and this past season in my life, I welcome the change that has come. There was a missing piece in my internal makeup... something that I needed to make peace with. Learned how to accept myself good, bad or indifferent. Learned how to disallow others to speak to me, speak of me, or speak around me negatively and honestly learned how to defend myself humbly the way God has taught me. One of the things I remember most as I began this journey was the statement that the Holy Spirit spoke clearly to my spirit that God was going to teach me how to fight. I was fighting the wrong things. Mostly I was beating myself up and fighting with anyone who wanted to join me. What I learned is people treat you the way that you treat yourself. As I learned to love myself genuinely, mistakes, faults, good choices, bad choices - all of it; I learned how to teach others how to treat me. I learned to reserve my executive power to remove myself from any relationship that was not nurturing and also learned to learn from situation that seemed difficult for me to find peace with. Accepting that peace, which God gives me, is mine regardless of the circumstances of the day. This was a lot of learning for a three year session but I learned it. I believe that all the experiences that life gave me prepared me for this moment... this change. Everything that I need going forward - I have; everything that I am going to need, will be provided. I rest in the knowledge that God has brought me to this point in my life to wholly lean on the guidance, strength and power of God to accomplish God's will through the life I have. I am ready, I am ready, I am ready - change has come.

Making Peace with the Wind

Part of my daily devotions is to listen to the Christian teaching programs on the radio as I prepare for my day. Recently, I heard a parable about accepting life circumstances, that resonated in m spirit and became one of my "keys" to help me live my life going forward. The teacher spoke of a gentleman who told how he and his wife moved to a mountain area where the wind continued to blow and mess up his wife' hair daily. It became a daily and she became unbearable with her continued complaining. After a few weeks of watching his wife struggle with this continuing occurrence, the wise gentleman explained to his wife that she needed to "make peace with the wind." This story stayed with me because it reminded me of the many times in my life that, I, instead of accepting situations just as they were and adjusted myself accordingly, I would struggle to change the circumstance, situation, the person, place or thing. When what really needed to change me. "I had to make peace with the wind."

These past few years I have found myself back and forth 95 South to North, traveling from Washington, DC to Miami, Florida seeking to find my place. Turning 50 years old, having raised my children, created an empty nesting experience for me that took on a grander connotation . I truly did not know what to do with the rest of my life. I was single, an entrepreneur, legal secretary by trade, and a preacher by calling.

Initially, I had the grand idea that I would come to Miami and be discovered as one of the premiere writers to the Hip Hop generation. I would be reporting and communicating articles on this lucrative business and it's key players. For a period of time, I did work on line writing for "The Source.com". After publishing a few articles, I realized that it was interesting work but not what I saw myself doing as a new career at 50 something.

In my thinking, Miami would be a safe place, the rents were less, I could easily find employment with local attorneys. I would knit with churches in the south Florida area and they would know what a dynamic a gospel preacher I was and open their doors to me to continue in the work of spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ. I had it all planned - it seemed.

Miami, Florida is a city that is very closed knit and territorial. Miami is the Magic City, beautiful tropical paradise with people from all around the world. It is a very transient community and the people tend be unfriendly and uninviting. Well, needless to say, these few years of travel did not manifest in the way I envisioned. I came to Miami in the the midst of confusion personally, to more confusion, literally. I was living with a brother and his paramour. His paramour had two daughters and was an exotic dancer, among other things and I had to take a look at my life and "make peace with the wind." I had left a $50,000 a year job, in Washington, DC; had moved all the furniture from our ministry, and was feeling right foolish that I didn't think such a life changing move through thoroughly. Thank God that God knows how to make all things work together for our good.


In a year' time, I went through at least five (5) contract positions, moved from my brother's home as quickly as I could - arriving in February 2007 and by May 2007, I was living in a cottage in Westchester, Miami paying $1,200 a month. Eventually, I moved to Biscayne Boulevard which was cheaper and closer to my employment, having had my car repossessed during the transition. I had to make peace with the wind. By November 2008, I was laid off another position, this time due to the recession and found myself returning to Washington, D.C.

The saving grace was that while I was in Washington, D.C., I was able to see the births of my two grandsons. One of which was born having to undergo open heart surgery at the age of 4 days old. The miracle of all of this called for me to make a deeper commitment to my relationship with God, with myself and with my family. I was making peace with the wind. It took three months before our miracle child was taken off all the tubes and was able to be held by his family. It was then that I was led to return to Miami, feeling that I had not accomplish the purpose for which I had come to Miami in the first place.

I returned to Miami, Florida in 2009 and from the onset was immersed into evangelism dealing with people who were struggling with substance abuse issues. I stayed with the same brother again, a bit more humbled than I was previously, in the heart of Overtown, Miami. A place known for being laced with crime, addiction, poverty, and homelessness and there I lived and eventually would find work in the same area. Again, I had to make peace with the wind.

Having worked in the area of human services for over twenty years, I believed that I had achieved a level of maturity where I should not have to serve as I did before... picking people up from where they were and leading them in a direction God would have them to go in; counseling, praying and interacting with people who would not and/or could not stop abusing substances because of their mental instability. Being responsible to hold, love and care for people so chronically homeless that they were left to die in their condition. No, I thought it was time for me to do like so many others, hide behind my pulpit and send them out to do the work, not me to go out and compel them to come in - I had to make peace with the wind. I had to come to grips with the fact that as long as I lived and breathed I would be a foot soldier and one way or another, I will always be doing hand to hand combat in this spiritual battle for the souls of humanity - for the people from the cradle to the grave. In my arrogance, I believed that I was supposed to be in my pulpit relaxing, preaching on Sunday and teaching others how to do the work that I had done for the better part of my life. God had a different plan and I had to make peace with the wind.

A year later, I find myself in Miami, Florida working for a supportive housing organization that serves the homeless population of Miami, Florida by providing housing, assistance with achieving government benefits (food stamps, social security, etc.) and I remain a foot soldier in this race for the Kingdom of God. I spend my Sunday evenings ministering to women and children who are struggling with substance abuse and mental health issues who are in treatment seeking the help they need to build their lives up again.

This was not the plan I had by a long shot... but this was the best plan for me and I am eternally grateful to God for intervening and directing my path. I am prayerfully seeking God for direction as I am ready to return to Washington, D.C. where everything I know and love are. Miami has been good to me and has given me a learning experience that I would never have achieved any other way. In the last few years my daughters have blessed us with three new grandsons and a grand daughter. Which is my honor that we now have eight (8) grandchildren who I am praying that God will allow me to live to see brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. This is my prayer... this is my experience... now it's time for me once again to make peace with the wind.

Through it all, I have learned that my arms are definitely too short to box with God and frankly, I don't want to. I want the life God has for me for I know that this is higher that I could even imagine or think. And thus, I make peace with the wind, relinquishing what I thought was best and pray for God's best for me and my family. Always the dreamer, in six to eight months time, I pray to be in the pulpit God has for me, teaching, preaching and developing believers for the work of the Kingdom. I've made with peace with the wind and surrender my life fully and completely to the Wind Maker.

Lost In Jail - A Girl's Story

In 1974, three weeks after giving birth to my precious daughter, I found myself sitting in a Boston Superior Court going through a trial with my husband. My husband who was arrested for an armed robbery, that to this day, he swears he did not commit the crime. As I sat through the daily trial, and the evening visits at jail, I could only wonder what all this would mean to me and my young baby and what was going to happen to us? When the judge sentenced him to ten years - that's right ten years, I remember my stomach dropping and me crying out "but what about me - what is going to happen to me?" Somehow I had come to believe that he and I would be together forever and jail was not in that plan. As I walked out of the courtroom that day, my entire life had changed and it would never be the same. My thoughts were cloudy and all I wanted to do was made the reality of it all to just go way. At the bottom of it all, all I knew was there was a hole in my soul and I was in a daze that would last me some years to work through. I never wanted to be a single parent. I never wanted to spend my days writing letters, visiting jails ... no I never wanted to do any of that and I was only 17. At 17, I lost the love of my life and for all intensive purposes I lost my life (so I thought). I lost the dreams of the present and surely lost the future I would have. My baby would never know her father outside of prison walls, Guards, strip searches, long bus rides, collect telephones and visits through glass petitions - this would be my life. This would change everything.

What happen for me has happened for many a young woman who started out with the loveliest of plans with their first love. Plans that included good things, marriages, church, houses, cars and someone who would love them for them not for all the people needed or wanted them to be.

Since he was my first love, he knew me before I knew how to put make up on good. He knew me when I was learning how to type, and admonished me to go to school - because I was the book smart one. He knew my mom and them and love me any way (smile). All of my dreams in one day - in one decision - was gone. For me, it would take almost 13 years before I accepted that I lost my love that day in the court room and the young man that I loved had died when he entered into that adult facility. One of the youngest men in the history of the state to go the notorious adult prison. He died. His innocence gone and it never would return. Today, as I pray and speak with my daughters who are losing men to murder - I understand. He didn't die physically but it more than a certainty that he died spiritually. They took something from him that he would never get back and by the same token, they took something from me and my baby that we would never have again. They took my husband, her daddy, my friend and my future... they took it all that day. I spent the next two decades after that sentencing, attempting to regain that relationship that I lost that day in that courtroom so many years ago but to no avail. I had to accept, eventually, that I would never have that -- not like that ever again for me. There are days that I thank God profusely for that day and there are others I can only mourn the love I lost to jail.

So, as I comfort those that mourn their lost - to the streets, to the jail and/or to murder I would never tell them that what they are feeling is not valid. Dreams shattered are real. Our men making bad choices that directly affect us is real. To attempt to regain something that we lost is only natural - but we can never have it ... I will never get that time back or get back what I lost that infamous day that my love was lost in jail.

Leaving 2010 - Getting Busy With 2011

As we end this year and look back over the experiences of the year , we've learned some lessons, taught some lessons, lived some lessons and continue to have unfinished lessons we have to learn. We've lost people in our experience, we were given other people in our lives, we may have thought that our life should not change without first seeking our counsel - but life doesn't do that. We have learned to accept life as it is or in the alternative, we have deceived ourselves and chose to view the world the way we want it to be. There is a gentle balance between the two. What is imperative for our belief system, our survival and our peace of mind is our ability to hope in spite of hope. To believe for our very best in the face of all the signs that scream we are doomed. This has to become our conviction that no matter what life shows up with, through tears, through prayers, through doctor's appointments, court dates, unemployment lines and all the other boogie men that arise, we must know that our lives are in the capable hand of God. And though we walk through the shadows of the valley of death, we will fear no evil for God is with us. So we pick up our things and we journey into 2011, expecting the best, praying for the best and living the best life ever because we made it. Through whatever last year brought us through, we made it! Applaud yourself but not too long because you don't have long to revile in the events of yesterday, you have got too much to do today!