Living Life On Life's Terms

Life on Life's Terms... the Path

Some months ago as I prayed, I heard in my spirit "this assignment is over". Living in Miami, Florida has been an education for me that I never would have received had God not given me the courage to step out in faith and come here. Not once, not twice but three times. The lessons I have learned were hard.  They were first spiritual, I was limited, spiritually arrogant (afraid), and almost unteachable because of the bitterness of offenses I held stored up while working in ministry, raising children alone, hiding my feelings - but it did not matter how I felt I had to do what had to be done.  I had to be responsible if no one else was responsible.  Whether actual or imagined, my life was bogged down with unforgiveness, resentment and bitterness and it had me stuck. The preacher, the Woman of God, who spoke life to so many others.  I found myself bleeding profousely and unable to heal the wound. This was not new.  It happened to me before when I turned 30 years old - it almost cost me my life.  Pain not having a memory, I soon forgot that God and I were my primary purpose.  My vision was skewed!

I had gotten so engrossed in the "care of others", what I was supposed to be for the "people," for "them"...  that I missed that the only reason that I was alive in the first place because God had taught me to care about myself.  We experienced this lesson early in my adolescence but it was lesson that did not stick, obviously!  Self care had become secondary to the ministry, secondary to the care of the children, secondary to keeping my face and losing my "ass"... I was literally, emotionally, spiritually and physically lost and for the most part did not want to be rescued - just wanted to be left alone!

My first stay in Miami, I was wounded, bloody from the battle of life. Eveyone was the reason I was so discontented.  No one understood, no one cared... I was an emotional wreck!   I literally cried the first 90 days of my stay here. I would attend my support group and cried about how I couldn't find a job, I couldn't find my way, I would cry. I cried so much that everyone in the group expected that I was coming to have my "daily cry." I found employment, I found a place to live and then I went through a succession of jobs because I didn't fit into the "culture". For me it meant, they didn't understand me, after growing a bit, I realized that there was a level of humility that I needed to exercise in order to receive instruction.  I realized that I would never get better until I first realized that I needed to get better - not the world, not the situation but me and my attitude (heard that somewhere before).  I didn't surrender easily. Stubborn to a fault, I held on to my right to be "right."

Let me digress, for the first eight (8) months of my stay in Miami (in 2007), I isolated. I went to work, I called home, I went to church, home and no where else. My car was repossessed and I took the bus for a few months across Miami to my employment. I left my home at 6:00 a.m. (in the dark) to arrive at work at 9:00 a.m. - this was humblying. Quite different from the spoiled life I had built for myself in Washington, D.C. I had cars... I didn't take the bus, I didn't do this and I didn't do that but there was so much that I took for granted.  The love of my family. The friendships and companionships that I had established for years.  Being in Miami, gave me a level of autonomy and identity that required that I grow up - grow up or die.  No one knew me so I was subject to the limited projection of others and what they thought, who my new acquaintenances perceived that I was ... at first I was annoyed and then I realized that it did not matter what anyone else thought about me.   It was important that I made peace with me and stood on what I wanted for my life and how I would present myself to the world - good, bad, or indifferent.

This journey looking back finds me five years in - it's 2012.  It began in 2007, I cannot tell all that has transpired the friends I met, the ones I lost.  The relationships I maintained and the ones I've lost.  It is still a daily endeavor to wake up, pray up and get up to deal with what the day will bring.  At this writing, we are praying about opening the ministry here in Miami and securing the funds to make that happen.  Although in the back of my spirit, I am really missing the experience of being a grandmother to my many beautiful grandbabies, the day to day with my children, so I still find myself seeking the clear direction of God on how the perfect Will of God will be reflected in my life because I have learned that the safest place in the whole wide world is in the Will of God.  This thing is real... "Living Life on Life's Terms."

"Declaration Of Independence!"

As we approach July 4, 2012, we are looking at the world through brand new eyes.  Wars and rumors of wars, children are not safe at schools, neighborhoods have become battle grounds and places of a sanctuary are show cases for the "rich, famous, and better than."  Honoring the Creator of all things, we realize that we are not in this time for no reason.  We acknowledge that we are alive for a reason and in the Kingdom for such a time as this.  Declaring Independence means more than the separation from co-dependent behaviors, more than moving out of a domestic situation and that you have come "of age."  It means more than removing ourselves from others but, in my thinking, it means the clear interpretation of what dependence means. When we depend on anything, we rest in it, we are secure in it, we trust that what we depend on will satisfy the need for which we cling to it.  Having woke up some many mornings, there are not many people, places or things in this life experience that you can depend on like that.  Only God, has proven to be that source that no matter what season, no matter what the situation, the lost, the gain, the consistency of a relationship with God through the principles of love taught to us through Jesus Christ that we can rest in this restless world.  That we can sleep at night knowing that no matter what powers we see, we hear or we experience, that there is a greater power working and we can rest on that - we can depend on that power to care for us.

As we declare our independence it is imperative to understand that we are created dependent.  We cannot live this life without someone.  We cannot live this life without love, companionship, or socialization - we were not cut like that - we need each other.  That being said, because we are like each other, we could never fully depend on us to be there for us (I hope you understand that!).  We are fickle beings, some days we are in good moods, some days we are not... some days we want to be bothered and some days we don't.  It's human nature and we don't deny it... we ascribe to live, embrace and honor our divine existence but we live daily to overcome and discipline ourselves to not succomb to our lower nature, our human nature. 

So I want to be independent!  Independent of my lower self, independent of clinging to others for something that they could never give me.  Independent of seeking from humanity what they so desperately need from God themselves.  So I rest in my dependence to my God, rest in that I am secure in knowing that this relationship will never fail me - although I will surely fail it.  I continue to strive, to grow, to surrender to become ever so dependent that I might truly know the independence that comes from serving a true and living God.

That gives me rest when I am restless, feeds me when I am spiritually hungry, comfort my soul during times of lost and disappointment.  In the times when I just don't know what to do, I can rest and be dependent that my times are in my God's hands.  I am never too low, never too far, never too bad, never too dirty... always loved, always embraced... always secure - I am truly "declaring my Independent."  Enjoy your fourth of July and don't forget to continue to pray for our troops - home and on the battle field!